Owl Eyes

I’ve been posting some pretttttty negative blogs lately. I decided that I only use tumblr when I’m upset about something and I need someone to hear about my shitty day. Who honestly cares about my whining..

Honestly.

Okay, here…

I’ll post something positive.

I had fun with my friends tonight. We watched Super 8, and made each other laugh like any other night we spend together.
I’m thankful to have them in my life.
I don’t think they know how much I really do love them, and the fact that we have so much to talk about every time we see each other.

So for right now in my life, there’s nothing better than nights like tonight. Nothing better than laughing and enjoying time with the people that I love, and the fact that the people that I love all use proper grammar.

Besides my boyfriend..

The worst feeling in the world is knowing you want something you can’t have. You think you want somebody, and then you realize everything that wouldn’t work. What they believe, how they live their life, what THEY want from you. I know all those doubts are signs that it’s probably just not meant to be.

Maybe for now.
Maybe for always.

I guess I’ll know when it happens.

I might as well just say what I feel.

I’m not a violent person.

I watch Dexter like it’s some sort of religion, and I playfully punch my co-workers when they say something sly enough to make me blush. But that’s the extent of my violent ways… Promise.

So now that we’ve established that I am as dangerous as a cucumber… I would like to let you know something.

I really want to hit you. . like really hard. Primarily somewhere around the face. 

I mean, I genuinely like everyone, and I love many people I come across in my life. 

Ehhhh, but not you. 

I really wish I had the opportunity to see you in person so I could say these words to your face, but I know that moment may never come again.

So here it is: 

I forgive you for being the way you are, and I hope it works out for you in the end. 

Thanks for everything you taught me.

I don’t know you like I wish I did. In my head, I wish you were a monster. Some ravenous, ugly, excuse for a human being. But you’re probably just a girl. You probably wake up every day, get dressed, skip breakfast, fix your makeup in the mirror, and walk out the door. Just like the rest of us. You probably get in your car and listen to the music I would listen to, laugh at the same jokes I laugh at, and cry about the same things cry about. You’re probably in love with love, and you dream about making something of yourself. Whether that’s a writer, a singer, or anyone who can make a difference in the world. You’re a good person. 

You just never learned how to love someone.

When I came home from California, I was happy to see one of my best friends still drenched in youth and happiness. He was just the same as I had left him months before. Only this time he was taken, and a little bit taller than I remembered. It took about seven months of time, tears, and falling in love with him to realize what you had done. It took me seven months of growing up with him to hear about what you took. 

I hope you know you broke him down into nothing. You stole his innocence by pressuring him to love you the same way your previous boyfriend had pressured you to love him. You stole his ability to love someone properly because, to you, love was one sided. Your love meant taking, and he was the one giving it all. 

Sometimes I look at him and wonder what he really wants to say, or if he is hurting more than he gives off. And as the person who loves him more than anyone she’s ever loved, I hope you know it kills me inside. To see my best friend contained inside such harsh memories. All memories containing you. 

Even though I can feel the scars that you left, and there’s nothing I can do, I hope you know you didn’t take everything.

Because you never had his heart. 

Not the way I have it now. I will love it better than you could ever love anything: Selflessly, deeply, and honestly. Three words you would never understand. 

You stole him from me momentarily, but I can assure you that I am finding my way back to the boy I loved years ago. Even if you left him damaged, I would like you to know that he is a better friend, lover, and person today.

So even though I wish with all my heart that you were the villain in this story, I know I will never be able to convince myself it’s true. Because you are the reason he is the man I love today, and not the broken boy you left behind yesterday. 

Thank you for being the little girl who came along to break him. Now I can be the woman who builds him up again.

I miss my best friend.